A BT technician yesterday….

Their words, not mine.

It would seem a certain leading communications provider has enlisted the help of a PR firm from 1998. But let’s not dwell on that. I’m hip to this street jive anyway.

So what does this exciting, youth oriented campaign entail exactly?

Is Tim Westwood going to invite himself over and transform your lousy dial-up connection into a chromed out, warp speed broadband line with one hearty ‘big dogs big dogs here comes another banger’?

No.

Is Xzibit likely to pop round, rifle through your bins, let you know (like a ghetto Gillian McKeith) you’re eating too many ready meals, then turn your PC monitor into a gold plated 72 inch plasma screen with additional taser guns?

Negative.

In actuality, BT plan to ‘pimp’ your broadband in the following way (no rappers or fake MCs involved):

“BT’s Home IT Support service has launched BT Broadband Accelerator, a £90 home visit service to help improve the performance of customers’ computers and speed up their broadband connection.”

Perhaps BT chose to lead with the phrase ‘pimp’ on their press release because it’s only pimps who can afford this service?

However, it gets better:

“Customers are refunded if a 0.5Mb improvement on speed is not achieved.”

That’s more like it. Should you pay for this service and not receive an improvement of 0.5Mb on your connection speed, the £90 fee will be winging its way back to you faster than a fully loaded Nissan Micra.

Let’s face it though, 0.5Mb shouldn’t be too demanding an ask of a trained technician, so it’s unlikely any subscribers to this service will ever see a refund.

I’m yet to read anything in the small print suggesting it will be Starsky and Hutch’s faithful informant Huggy Bear carrying out the repairs, but I’ve still a few pages to go, so I’ll let you know.