What a cutie!

Tuesday 5th August, 2008 - £8,228.83 in debt…

Another week, another bit of pay trickling into my bank account, another £150 onto my Barclaycard… but I’m starting to flag a bit.

I think all this work is starting to catch up with me. Nine to five, plus evenings, weekends, working through my lunchbreak, and all for what? Money I can’t even spend! Money that goes straight to the bloody Barclaycard headquarters where, no doubt, it gets spent on all the things I want for myself - a holiday, tickets to Wimbledon 2009 (£102 for the men’s final!), a Peugeot 207 CC, a kitten, you name it. I bet Barclaycard headquarters is over-run with kittens. GRRRRR. 

I’m working all the hours I can, not seeing any money for myself at the end of it, and fantasising about being punched unconscious just to get some sleep. This must be what it’s like having children.

 Celebrate good times, come on!

Saturday 26th July, 2008 - £8,428.07 in debt…

Oh yeah! I’m amazing! Look at what I’ve just done - look at the debt counter! LOOK AT IT!

Yes, I’ve been working very hard - like some kind of idiot - for the past 18 days, and finally I’m seeing some money arrive in my bank account. That’s £350 straight onto the Barclaycard, and hopefully more to come next week.

I even got £118.50 from GfK for mystery shopping - a whole £3.50 more than I expected! And they say it’s not a proper job!

 An especially surly young man

Monday 14th July, 2008 - £8,850.98 in debt…

This weekend saw my first trip to Nottingham for bridesmaid duties, and I spent £52.80. Not too bad, especially since I’ve only spent about a fiver on day-to-day things over the last couple of weeks, and I can now severely restrict my spending for the next few days as well.

But why spend over £50 on one weekend? Well, apparently this is what happens when you don’t tell your friends you’re on a budget.

I didn’t want to spend the whole time moaning that I’ve got no money, so I ended up doing completely unnecessary things – spending £9.50 (including tip) on lunch, using a service station cash machine that charges £2 to give me my own flipping money, buying takeout coffees from a surly young man…

Luckily, I felt horribly, horribly bad about doing all of those things and I won’t be doing them again in a hurry. I especially won’t be seeing any superhero-themed Will Smith films at the cinema without the aid of Orange Wednesdays.

That’s the spirit girl….

The third instalment of my alternative look at the credit crunch (effectively borne out of a fatigue for seeing the same stories published time and time again), looks at the potentially positive aspects of narrowing credit acceptance criteria.

So how could these stringent conditions possibly improve one’s financial and social vista?

(1)   Dodgy Mortgage Brokers Tackled by the FSA – With the mortgage market in a state of disrepair and under the microscope as a result, the Financial Services Authority (FSA) has been able to wheedle out mortgage brokers who perpetually recommend sub-prime loans. After all, it was the US sub-prime crisis that imposed the credit crunch on us in the first place, so any operation that removes sub-prime peddling brokers from the financial food chain has to be of benefit.

(2)   Savers Get a Better Deal – With banks haemorrhaging money from their lending, current account and trading divisions, they need a stable incentive with which to entice customers, look generous and claw profits back. Enter the savings account, with Halifax, Icesave and Abbey all doing their best to offer some of the most attractive savings account deals ever entertained in the marketplace.

(3)   Property Bargains Aplenty – For those that do have money to invest, the credit crunch is likely to upturn a number of canny bargains in the property market. What’s more, with the housing market quiet and estate agents kicking their heels, you’re likely to get a more tailored and personal service if you do venture out house hunting.

(4)   Improved Customer Service and Incentives – While consumers have less disposable income to throw around, industries will have to try that little bit harder to snare your business. Expect attractive incentives, especially in retail, utilities and communications sectors, to become commonplace, and good old-fashioned customer service to make a welcome return.

(5)   Bad Mood, Great Songs – According to music recommendation site TheFilter.com, the gloom of the credit crunch is making more if its users download depressing songs by the likes of The Smiths and Joy Division. The Smiths and Joy Division are cool bands, so when we’ve finally wriggled free of the credit crunch stranglehold, there will be more cool people and fewer squares.

(6)   Don’t Borrow What You Can’t Afford – Strict lending criteria means there’s a reduced chance of individuals borrowing more and more money only to find themselves stuck in deep financial mire. The credit crunch will force people to face up to their debts and try to do something constructive about wiping them out.

(7)   Less Air Travel, More Good Air – With the credit crunch biting hard this summer, a significant number of UK holiday makers are swapping planes for automobiles and motoring off to some retro seaside hotspots. The airmiles saved will reduce the carbon footprints of one and all.

(8)   Unprecedented Credit Card Deals – If your credit record is blemish free, you have a balance to transfer and you’re confident you can clear a credit card balance at the end of each month, then this is the perfect time to be switching credit cards. Capital One blew the credit card market wide open last month with a card that offers both 15 months 0% on balance transfers AND 15 months 0% on purchases. Sure, one cancels the other out if the account is miss-managed, but use the card wisely and you could save a tidy sum.

(9)   Asda Goes Nutty on Staple Food Prices – The credit crunch has prompted all out price war between the nation’s main supermarket chains, with Asda pushing the boat out especially far. Bread, lettuce, butter, eggs, sausages and melons have all been reduced to 50p for limited periods. Catch them while you can.

(10) Annuity Rates on the Rise – That’s correct, some financial products are still thriving. An annuity is a guaranteed income for life, which most members of defined contribution or money purchase pensions buy with the majority of their pension savings. Due to falling corporate bond prices, anyone looking to cash in their personal pension this summer will be significantly better off than before the credit crunch kicked in.

 You cannot be serious

Monday 7th July, 2008 - £8,850.98 in debt…

Welcome to the busiest week of my working life.

A few days ago, practically everyone I’ve ever worked for, worked with, or brushed past in the street, called to ask if I was free this week. What I heard was “Can we give you some money?”, and of course I said yes to all of them.

This has left me in something of a pickle.

As I had to have five hours off yesterday, to watch the greatest tennis match that has ever been played (and a further hour to calm down - while watching the highlights), I now have to work for 14 hours per day from now until Friday. At least.

Along with the eight hours I worked over the weekend, this makes it a 78-hour working week, which must contravene some sort of employment policy, but I’m self-employed so I tend to live on the wrong side of the law.

But, if I can make it through the week successfully - blogging in my lunchbreak, working in my sleep and thinking on the toilet - I’ll earn £791.30 after tax.

I’m just glad this has happened after Wimbledon and Rafa Nadal’s taking some time off. If anyone had asked me to miss one of his matches, I’d have laughed in their face.

 Bridesmaid Revisited 

Friday 4th July, 2008 - £8,850.98 in debt…

I’ll tell you what I hate about being in debt. Yesterday, a good friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, and my first thought wasn’t “Wow, I’m so honoured she asked me - I hope I do a good job of it”, but ”Can I afford this?”

As I think I’ve mentioned before, I am scum.

The bride-to-be lives in Nottingham which, according to the RAC route planner, is a good 500-mile round trip. A few of those over the next nine months, plus the wear and tear on my poor little car, plus any accessories I have to buy for the big day, plus organising the hen night… I feel like I’m losing money just thinking about it.

I said yes, obviously. It’s not every day someone offers to buy you an incredible floor-length dress, hopefully in purple.

Oh, and I am honoured to be asked, of course. It’s just hard to concentrate on looking forward to it when you’re counting the pennies…

 Pet Insurance - Crucial

Friday 27th June, 2008 - £8,888.53 in debt…

Today is that magic day when I get my first paycheque from my part-time job, and I can stop restricting my spending to £20 a week. Or can I…?

I’ve come to a conclusion, of sorts, about budgeting: I like it. The main thing I’ve noticed while I’ve been restricting my spending is that it’s forcing me to think about my money differently.

I’m thinking about the money that leaves my account, and not the money that goes into it.

This is great! I realise I sound like a crazy person, but I’ve never thought about my money that way before – I’ve just gone out and spent it, usually after some deranged thought process that says I must spend it because I’ve earned it.

Despite my new-found zeal for controlled frugality, I’ve realised that I’ve been going about it in a stupid, stupid way. This week, I went over budget by £35.88.

As it turns out, £20 a week just isn’t realistic when you spend £70 a month on petrol (well, duh). Even trying to conserve my fuel as much as possible, I still have to get to work, go on mystery shopping assignments, visit elderly relatives, etc etc.

So I’ve decided to make a new plan: I’ve worked out exactly how much I have to spend per month on essentials, including petrol, and I’m giving myself another £15 a week for other stuff. Anything I earn beyond that amount is going on my Barclaycard, and I’m going to darn well keep track of it.

My essentials (rent, household bills, car and pet insurance, bank account fees and overdraft interest, food, credit card standing orders and petrol), plus my £15 a week budget, come to £933.72 in total – more than I expected, but the bank statement never lies.

So that’s how I’m going to budget from now on: £15 a week at the most, and every penny I earn over £933.72 is going on my biggest debt. Let’s see how long this one lasts.

 Mr. Buck turns on the charm 

Saturday 21st June, 2008 - £8,920.19 in debt…

Don’t quote me on this, but I don’t think I’m on track to reduce my debt this month. Not by more than about… er… £100. This is £300 less than my absolute minimum if I’m going to repay the whole lot in two years.

“That’s not good enough! You are scum!” I hear you cry. And you’re right - I’m the lowest of the low. More revolting than an over-cooked brussels sprout floating in a bucket of sick. I can barely look at my own face in the mirror without slapping it.

I suppose you could say (if you were feeling generous) that I’ve done well not to get further into debt, given that I haven’t had a part-time job for the last few weeks. I’ve been plodding along with my freelance work, but it’s hard to put that money towards my debts if I’m not absolutely certain I’ll have enough to pay the rent at the end of the month. If you’re self-employed, you’ll know what I mean.

However (and here’s the bit where I actually feel proud of my otherwise worthless self), because I’ve been pretty much sticking to my weekly budgets, I’ve managed to keep afloat. I won’t be drowning in bank charges by the end of the month and, now that I’m temping three days a week, I’ll be getting a little paycheque every Friday.

My budget for June 20th to 26th will be £23.40 (as I underspent last week). So far i have spent £19.49 (groceries and a bottle of wine - BAD OLIVIA!), and therefore only have £3.91 remaining.

I don’t think that’s too bad, as long as I take a packed lunch to work every day. And only use my car to get to work and back. Or punish myself for this month’s poor performance by jogging to work. In heels.

Any ideas how I can stop myself ending the month on a horribly glum note? Without spending more than £3.91?

 Ice Cream - Budget Buster

Wednesday 11th June, 2008 - £8,920.19 in debt…

Budget for June 6th to 12th = £20

Spent = £21.53

Remaining =  -£1.53

Oops. My first week of so-called “budgeting” and I’ve failed. I’ve disappointed you, I’ve disappointed my bank balance but, most of all, I’ve disappointed myself. For the remainder of this afternoon, I’ll be sitting in a corner and thinking about what I’ve done.

It all started innocently enough - it was hot and I needed ice cream. It wasn’t a luxury purchase - I might have died without it.

Then my £10 voucher arrived so I had to pop into town to buy my Juno DVD. Unfortunately it was £3.97 over budget and parking was £1.10. On the plus side, while I was there I did some mystery shopping and earned myself a tenner.

Soon after, I got a call from Office Angels asking if I could register with them. You know the drill - do a couple of typing tests, balance a beach ball on my nose, donate some bone marrow. The usual. So that was another £2 to Plymouth City Council, which I imagine they’ll spend on decontaminating the car park.

So there you have it: Over budget by £1.53 and I can’t spend anything until Friday.

I’ve cancelled tonight’s planned cinema trip and invited a friend round to watch my new DVD instead. I should be earning brownie points for doing this sort of thing, but apparently I just have to be happy that I’m not spending anything. Whoopee.

 I’m a little teapot short and stout…

Wednesday 4th June, 2008 - £8,920.19 in debt…

Another day, another temping agency assessment. More forms than I could shake a stick at (five in total – I draw the stick-shaking line at four), and another typing test.

But then, the minute I got home, I had a call from another agency, offering me a short-term full-time job. It’s only for the next couple of weeks, but it will pay this month’s rent and fill in the time while I look for something part-time.

Unfortunately, because it pays a week in arrears, I still haven’t got any money coming in until June 20th and I’m running low on cash. Time to give myself a budget and stick to it…