The Joy of Text 

Monday 30th June, 2008 - £8,850.98 in debt…

How far would you go for money…?

If you’re having money troubles, especially if you’re a woman, you might have considered some form of ‘adult’ work. The idea might be embarrassing or morally wrong to some, but an increasing number of women - and men - are happily settling into jobs at the outer edge of the sex industry: as textline operators for adult chat companies.

I’ve got nearly £9k of debt to pay off, and a bit of evening work on the textlines would undoubtedly make the process quicker. Should I go for it?

Here’s how it works:

A textline works on the same principle as a sex chatline, but it’s operated via text message. As well as making things easier for shy customers, this is also seen as an easier job for the operator at the other end, who is afforded a bit of thinking time and doesn’t have to stifle their giggles or explain any overheard conversations to the kids. It’s perfectly legal.

Benefits:

     The entire process - signing up, training and working - can be carried out from home, meaning no overheads apart from broadband access (texts come through online).

     Depending on your employer, you can work in pre-arranged shifts or pick your own hours, signing onto the system when you feel like working.

     You won’t be required to discuss anything illegal: the employer will have a list of taboo subjects that must be steered away from.

     Most employers are responsible and professional, and can offer support if you’re having a difficult time. They will ask you to send proof that you’re over 18.

Drawbacks:

     Some employers will only pay up if you send over a certain number of texts in a month.

     Predictably enough, the texts you receive can be very explicit, and you might receive explicit pictures of the customer.

     The industry is very secretive, and your contract will probably state that you mustn’t reveal the details of your job or pay, and sometimes even your employer’s name.

     The job is potentially dangerous. Under no circumstances should you reveal your real contact details to any customer – not even your email address. Obey this rule and you should be perfectly safe.

     Many people avoid this job for moral or social reasons. If you’re open about what you do for a living, you might find yourself treated differently by friends and family. Some operators have even been verbally abused by customers.

Earnings:

     Earnings are normally based on a per-text rate, from around 5p per message.

     Many operators are in the job for extra pocket-money, but some are successfully making a living. If you’re prepared to quicken the pace and put in full-time hours, you’ll get a reasonable full-time wage.

     Payment is usually straightforward – monthly or fortnightly by BACS.

     You’ll have to register with HM Revenue and Customs as self-employed, and complete a yearly tax return.

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Operators are regularly monitored to make sure they’re following the rules and keeping regular customers happy. As with any job, if you’re not taking it seriously, you will lose it – if you treat it like “a bit of fun”, you won’t last long.

My source, whose full-time operator job allows her to pay the bills and support a family, has some advice: “The trick is to make your texts fun and interesting, to keep the customers coming back. You need to have a good imagination and be very open minded; It can be an education …”

If you’re interested in becoming a textline or chatline operator, Google some company names: Excel Telemedia, Text121, Evoke and SMS Friends all offer this kind of work. Or go to this thread on the Money Saving Expert forums for more information.

Am I going to do it myself? Well, no. I don’t think I could do it and be completely happy with myself. I have the utmost respect for anyone who does this job, but I wouldn’t be comfortable having that kind of conversation with a complete stranger for money.

Having said that, one more month of only decreasing my debt by £69.21 and I might have to rethink…

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If you’re thinking of a job in the sex industry, please visit the International Union of Sex Workers for support and advice.

   Sink your teeth into this…

Despite news of the credit crunch and talk of a global recession, it seems there is only one business that is fairy-ing well.

That’s right, the Tooth Fairy is proving to be one of the most successful business women of this year, and may even find herself in 2009’s Times’ Rich List. 

According to a survey, the generous little fairy, who once used to slip six pence pieces under the pillows of sleeping children who’d lost their milk teeth, now has a business worth millions of pounds. Definitely something Peter Jones wishes he’d invested in…

While parents roughly received 27p per tooth, their children are waking up to find an average of £1.05p waiting for them, according to savings experts, The Children’s Mutual. That’s more than a 500 per cent rise over 25 years.

It’s been calculated that youngsters today can profit from a total of £21 from their wobbly teeth – over 6 times what their parents would have got for theirs. For roughly one in twelve youngsters, losing 20 baby teeth between the ages of six and 11 could earn them more than £40.

And is it any wonder the averages are so high, when it’s reported that Wondermum and superior-being Angelina Jolie gives adopted son Maddox $50 for every tooth he loses, letting him spend the extremely generous payout on whatever he wants?

There is a silver-lining to this somewhat gappy tale however: children are being taught about how to look after their finances. The study found that seven in ten children talk about money and savings with their parents, 73 per cent have a piggy bank and 44 per cent of seven-year-olds play shopping games at home.

Although maybe not learning the true value of money, or about inflation rates, kids these days do seem to understand more about money matters. Only the other day did I witness a little girl, too small to reach the counter, trying to make a deposit into her Barclay’s account. She was probably saving the pound she’d received in exchange for a decaying little incisor…

As for Maddox Pitt/Jolie, it’s all very well giving the kid a fifty dollar bill for every tooth that “falls out”, but when he and his sisters start pulling all their little toothy-pegs out with pliers, I’m sure Angie will regret her “charitable” decision to give every child the same.

She’ll also be regretting not putting the money towards the dental treatment they’ll all need later on in life.

“Five for silver, and six for gold,” I wonder how magpies are getting on…

 Pet Insurance - Crucial

Friday 27th June, 2008 - £8,888.53 in debt…

Today is that magic day when I get my first paycheque from my part-time job, and I can stop restricting my spending to £20 a week. Or can I…?

I’ve come to a conclusion, of sorts, about budgeting: I like it. The main thing I’ve noticed while I’ve been restricting my spending is that it’s forcing me to think about my money differently.

I’m thinking about the money that leaves my account, and not the money that goes into it.

This is great! I realise I sound like a crazy person, but I’ve never thought about my money that way before – I’ve just gone out and spent it, usually after some deranged thought process that says I must spend it because I’ve earned it.

Despite my new-found zeal for controlled frugality, I’ve realised that I’ve been going about it in a stupid, stupid way. This week, I went over budget by £35.88.

As it turns out, £20 a week just isn’t realistic when you spend £70 a month on petrol (well, duh). Even trying to conserve my fuel as much as possible, I still have to get to work, go on mystery shopping assignments, visit elderly relatives, etc etc.

So I’ve decided to make a new plan: I’ve worked out exactly how much I have to spend per month on essentials, including petrol, and I’m giving myself another £15 a week for other stuff. Anything I earn beyond that amount is going on my Barclaycard, and I’m going to darn well keep track of it.

My essentials (rent, household bills, car and pet insurance, bank account fees and overdraft interest, food, credit card standing orders and petrol), plus my £15 a week budget, come to £933.72 in total – more than I expected, but the bank statement never lies.

So that’s how I’m going to budget from now on: £15 a week at the most, and every penny I earn over £933.72 is going on my biggest debt. Let’s see how long this one lasts.

 Is there a credit crunch on?

36% of Britons believe the credit crunch is no more than a media perpetuated myth, so I present to you the top ten ways to bury your head in the sand and pretend the credit crunch isn’t happening.

Follow this guide and you could lose yourself a cool half million.

Alternatively, follow the credit crunch friendly route and save hundreds. The choice is yours:

1. Buy a Mercedes CL Class – Procuring a brand new Mercedes CL Class should set you back around £80,000. Then there’s the £5500 yearly petrol cost, the £3500 annual maintenance fees, the £7500 a year insurance, and the five year depreciation of £37,000.

*Credit Crunch friendly alternative: Buy a bicycle, car pool with colleagues or (whisper it) walk.

2. Shop at Fortnum and Mason – Do you feel like going to the park this weekend and indulging yourself in a nice picnic? Well, Fortnum and Mason hampers start at £100 for the ‘al fresco’ edition, climbing all the way to £300 for the ‘Kensington’. What’s more, the horse drawn carriage delivery service is very reasonable.

*Credit Crunch friendly alternative: Wait until the end of the day, and then buy your bread from the supermarket when it’s being reduced.

3. Only wear bespoke suits – Alexander Boyd tailoring, under the watchful eye of former Gieves and Hawkes master cutter Clive Phythian, begins its bespoke price range at £1800. A suit for each day of the working week, plus an evening suit for special occasions, will whistle to the tune of £11,500.

*Credit Crunch friendly alternative: Sainsbury’s, George at Asda, Primark, TK Maxx. On every High St you’ll find an outlet offering clothing at discount prices.

4. Invest in Yahoo - Yahoo stock has plunged since the internet giant announced Microsoft had definitively abandoned its pursuit of the company. Shares plummeted by 12% on the day of the announcement, and have fallen steadily in the period since. Invest in Yahoo today and lose thousands, instantly.

*Credit Crunch friendly alternative: Ride out the credit crunch with a sturdy and durable savings account from Icesave or Halifax. Due to flat markets in other banking sectors, it’s never been a better time to be a saver.

5. Download a US TV series on your phone in Germany - Did you hear the one about a guy who downloaded four episodes of Friends to his phone while in Germany, then received a bill for over £11,000 from Vodafone? Yes, it really happened.

*Credit Crunch friendly alternative: Check the terms and conditions thoroughly before you go free roaming on any mobile broadband package. Stick to light surfing and e-mailing only when taking your dongle, Blackberry or 3G phone overseas.

6. Ditch your Oyster Card - Oyster cards, such a big blue plastic nuisance. Lose the oyster card for a week and buy one way paper tickets instead. Journeying from Camden Town to Oxford Circus and back will only cost you £8 a day.

*Credit Crunch friendly alternative: Use your Oyster to its full potential. Daily price capping means the Oyster card will calculate the cheapest possible price for your journey, plus it’s also worth remembering that bus rides are now only 90p.

7. Go to the movies, buy loads of popcorn – I love the movies, particularly mindless blockbusters and films where Eddie Murphy plays multiple characters. When I go to the movies, I like to get the biggest tub of popcorn, the biggest bucket of Tizer and the biggest bag of pick and mix I can lay my fat hands on. Total cost (including ticket): £25

*Credit Crunch friendly alternative: Bring some sandwiches, and take advantage of Orange Wednesdays if you’re an Orange mobile customer (two for one on cinema tickets).

8. Pay by Cheque – Cheques are time consuming to write, equally as time consuming to post, and costly for utilities companies and retailers to process. Pay by cheque and you’ll be offered zero incentives or discounts, making a total saving of…..nothing.

*Credit Crunch friendly alternative: Pay by direct debit. You’ll be offered discounts and flexible terms unavailable to those who pay by cheque.

9. Drink Champagne – Now that the Wimbledon lawn tennis championships are upon us, why not treat yourself to a fresh bottle of champagne for each day the tournament runs? 14 bottles of Louis Roederer should set you back £2940.

*Credit Crunch friendly alternative: Join a wine tasting club for as little as £5 per event.

10. Get a prepayment meter – Prepayment meter customers pay, on average, £285 more than those with standard tariffs for their yearly gas and electricity supply. If you’re really lucky, you’ll be hit with a bill for £90million, like this lady.

*Credit Crunch friendly alternative: British Gas has unveiled its online prepayment meter tariff which saves customers £70 a year on average. Those with prepayment meters should investigate whether they’re eligible for this tariff.

 ”What am i doing in the desert?”

Thursday 26th June, 2008 - £8,920.19 in debt…

What was the first CD ever pressed in the US?

What is the national sport of Japan?

How do oscillators work?

Why iz tht cow ignorin me is it coz I waz chattin to her boyf coz thats rly paffetik like!?!!11 Lolz.

Just a few of the questions you’re likely to be asked if you sign up to be a Texpert.

Texperts is a service that offers an answer to any question. As the name suggests, it’s a text-based service: the customer texts their question, and an operator at the other end researches an answer and sends it back.

It’s a simple enough idea (also exercised by AQA - Any Question Answered), so I thought I’d apply.

The job is home-based: you can log into the system whenever you like, answer some questions on your computer (you don’t have to text from your phone), and hey presto – a bit of extra cash comes rolling in. It will take a while to build up some speed and get used to researching quickly, but some people do this as a full-time job so I guess it’s what you make of it.

The application process is on the website, in the form of a deceptively idiotic-looking “quiz” called The Tex-Factor. In truth, it was harder than my Maths A-level and took twice as long.

You can go back to the beginning and re-take the test as many times as you like, so there’s a good chance you’ll get through eventually even if you’re Wayne Rooney and all four members of Westlife are trying to “help”.

Unfortunately, after I passed the test, I was told via email that Texperts don’t currently have vacancies. I might have to wait months for my chance - which, I can only assume, will happen when a current Texpert suffers a heart attack and dies after receiving a particularly explicit text. Or when demand soars unexpectedly.

Never mind though – I now await my dramatic call-up notification, perched firmly on the edge of my seat. Now, how can I make demand for Texperts soar? £1 per text, you say…?

And the answers are:

1) Bruce Springsteen: Born in the USA

2) Sumo wrestling

3) Look here

4) If I understand your question correctly, the answer is Angela Rippon.

 Speed Testers - a rollercoaster ride

Call me lonely, call me an ‘enthusiast’, call me what you like (within reason), but I’ve spent the lion’s share of this morning investigating and evaluating broadband speed testers.

Between 11 and 11:15 AM today, I tested my broadband download speed across 10 different online speed testers. They were all very simple to use, and each captured a reading of my download speed (and in some cases, upload speed) there and then in that moment.

While I ran the speed testers I had no other applications open.

The results were as follows:

As you can see, the range of readings is startling!

In order for this to be a worthy, empirical test, I’d have to isolate each speed tester tool, and take a reading every minute for fifteen minutes using just that tool (thus providing me with 15 separate readings across a quarter-hour period for each speed tester).

Have I got the time to do that? Not just yet, but you can bet your bottom dollar I’m working on it.

So, what are the conclusions I’ve drawn from the data above? Well:

• Taking all the speed test results at face value, and interpreting them in a sensible way as opposed to taking a strict mathematical approach, I seem to be receiving download speeds of around 8.5 Mbps on a weekday morning. Frankly, I’m quite pleased with that.

• Unless drop outs in the service I’m receiving were uncharacteristically severe this morning, some speed test tools are either (a) wildly inaccurate, or (b) designed to make me get infuriated with my ISP and want to switch.

I additionally took the BT speed test, the results of which haven’t been included here. The noteworthy aspect of this test was it informed me (quite categorically, in bold red letters) the maximum download speed my line is capable of is 6.5 Mbps.

Oh really? Try telling that to the broadband expert at Broadband Expert.

Of course, if you want to take an accurate and infallible set of readings, you should use a downloadable speed test tool such as the Broadband Choices speed tester , and monitor your service for at least a month.

For now though, why not flit around online yourself, and see if the range of readings you receive is as varied as mine?

Charging up…

I think renewable energy is a fantastic thing. I personally appreciate the aesthetic beauty of wind farms, I think solar panels can really dress up a roof and I love the idea of running my car on coconut oil.

With rising energy prices and growing environmental concerns, I totally agree that we need to exhaust every possibility to maximise our use of renewable energy and especially, to harness the magnificent power of the sun.

But is it possible to get too carried away?

Channelling the sun’s energy is exactly what Japanese lingerie manufacturers Triumph have done, in an original and rather bizarre way.

Their new offering, the ‘Photovoltaic–Powered Bra’ was recently unveiled at the Tokyo Ryutsu Center in advance of the 2008 G8 Hokkaido Tokyo Summit on environmental issues.

The climate friendly undergarment consists of a green bodice with a large solar panel attached to the front (with matching green knickers of course).

Triumph claim that if exposed to the sunlight for a few hours a day, the panel is capable of generating enough electricity to power a mobile phone, ipod or other small portable device.

But alas, here is where the problem lies, in ‘exposing’ the panel. No outer garments can be worn over the bodice as the panel must be exposed to direct sunlight and this makes the design rather unpractical.

Unless you are Paris Hilton or Jodie Marsh, you probably wear clothes when you leave the house, and would thus cover the panel (as well as your dignity).

Triumph do point out that the panel is detachable, so there is ultimately no need to strip down to your underwear on your lunch hour, but then what is the point of attaching it to a bra? Why not create the photovoltaic t-shirt or jacket that would actually permit frequent usage?

Well, obviously, the bra is a publicity stunt. Triumph is known for its innovative lingerie designs which are really more a statement on world affairs than practical lady garments. Its previous creations include:    

• The “No! Shopping Bag” Bra – a lacy red number with padded cups that transforms into a reusable shopping bag, thus reducing your use of plastic carrier bags.
• The “My Chopsticks” Bra – a bra with cups designed as bowls of rice and miso soup, with a handy compartment for storing your personal chopsticks, thus reducing your use of disposable ones.
• The “Warmbiz Heated” Bra – a white faux-fur treat featuring microwaveable gel pads that can be heated and slipped into the cups, thus reducing your need for central heating.

Certainly, these are novelty bras, designed essentially for media coverage. But we cannot condemn Triumph for their marketing. No, if novelty bras are what it takes to bring energy issues to the public consciousness, then we should applaud Triumph for their original approach.

 Olivia fires up the Matiz… 

Tuesday 24th June, 2008 - £8,920.19 in debt…

We all know what we’re supposed to do to conserve petrol (especially if we’ve all read this particular post). But is it worth the effort, and how much can you actually save by following the rules?

I’ve been trying to lower my petrol consumption over the last week. Unfortunately, mine is probably not the best car to test these rules on, what with it having a 0.8 litre engine. Never mind though - every penny counts.

In fact, the cost of filling up the tank has gone from £26 in December 2005 (when I bought the car) to £34.80 this afternoon. I fill up about once a fortnight so if I can cut my costs by a quarter, that’s a saving of £226.20 a year.

The first thing I did to save some cash was sign up with www.petrolprices.com - I don’t check it every day, but I get the weekly updates and the same petrol station (at my local Sainsbury’s) crops up every time, in either first or second place.

Using this service can save me up to 16p a litre! (If you compare the most expensive unleaded in the UK with the cheapest). In practice, the difference between the cheapest and the fifth cheapest in the area is normally about 2p a litre.

I’ve ditched the extra weight from my back seat and boot; I’ve pumped up my tyres; I never leave the engine running; and I haven’t used the air con (but that just means leaving the windows open instead, which must waste just as much energy, surely…?).

And yes, before you re-read that and faint in astonishment, my particular Daewoo Matiz does have air con. It’s positively futuristic.

But the only rule I just can’t seem to obey is the “driving steadily” one. I mean, what’s the point? If I were to treat every drive like a Sunday-morning caper with an unexploded bomb as my passenger, imagining there’s a tiny mouse asleep under the accelerator pedal, my life just wouldn’t be fun any more.

I’m determined to pay off my debts, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

In other news…

Where are my credit card statements this month? I’ve normally had them by now - where are they? I literally don’t know what’s going on, and it’s making me fidgety.

 Satellite of Love…

Ok, having witnessed a little demonstration at the weekend (the promotional video for N.E.R.D’s ‘Everyone Nose’ magnum opus no less, in glorious HD), i’m seriously considering Freesat now, like seriously.

Sure, Sky Plus (as Felicity Kendall and Ross Kemp are so very eager to tell you) allows the pausing and rewinding of live TV, and I’ll never have to miss another episode of one of ‘my programs’ (Gossip Girl, Ed, anything with Dawn Porter in it) again, but the image quality on Freesat HD is astonishing.

I don’t intend to finish each paragraph with a word in bold incidentally, I’ll stop that now.

I’m about 70/30 in favour of taking a dip in Freesat’s shimmering waters, so what did I learn over the last 48 hours that I didn’t know already? In truth, quite a lot:

• There are no subscriptions or contracts involved with Freesat whatsoever; all I need to pay for is the cost of the equipment, which stacks up at….

• £150 for the HD Box and £80 for installation and dish. Fairly reasonable in my opinion.

• Existing Sky Digital dishes can be used in conjunction with the Freesat box without affecting the service, so I might be able to negotiate a discount on the installation. Tasty.

• By Christmas, the Freesat EPG (electronic program guide, or channel list if you like) will have evolved to 200 channels. Currently, 80 channels (including BBC HD and ITV HD) are on offer.

• In a similar fashion to Freeview, the Freesat technology instantly updates itself each time a new channel is added.

• Freesat is available to 98% of UK households, including mine.

I was especially impressed by how future proof Freesat is. The box allows you to connect to the internet via an Ethernet port for extra services, iPlayer being the most eye-catching. This is exactly what I’m looking for. Moreover, the HD service is effectively free, and you don’t get that with Sky.

As Sting once said, sort of, “If you love someone, get them Freesat”. Or was that Richard Bach?

Either way, I’m getting it.

 Mr. Buck turns on the charm 

Saturday 21st June, 2008 - £8,920.19 in debt…

Don’t quote me on this, but I don’t think I’m on track to reduce my debt this month. Not by more than about… er… £100. This is £300 less than my absolute minimum if I’m going to repay the whole lot in two years.

“That’s not good enough! You are scum!” I hear you cry. And you’re right - I’m the lowest of the low. More revolting than an over-cooked brussels sprout floating in a bucket of sick. I can barely look at my own face in the mirror without slapping it.

I suppose you could say (if you were feeling generous) that I’ve done well not to get further into debt, given that I haven’t had a part-time job for the last few weeks. I’ve been plodding along with my freelance work, but it’s hard to put that money towards my debts if I’m not absolutely certain I’ll have enough to pay the rent at the end of the month. If you’re self-employed, you’ll know what I mean.

However (and here’s the bit where I actually feel proud of my otherwise worthless self), because I’ve been pretty much sticking to my weekly budgets, I’ve managed to keep afloat. I won’t be drowning in bank charges by the end of the month and, now that I’m temping three days a week, I’ll be getting a little paycheque every Friday.

My budget for June 20th to 26th will be £23.40 (as I underspent last week). So far i have spent £19.49 (groceries and a bottle of wine - BAD OLIVIA!), and therefore only have £3.91 remaining.

I don’t think that’s too bad, as long as I take a packed lunch to work every day. And only use my car to get to work and back. Or punish myself for this month’s poor performance by jogging to work. In heels.

Any ideas how I can stop myself ending the month on a horribly glum note? Without spending more than £3.91?