The Germans - Wunderbar

Last week’s ‘revelation’ that door to door sales reps lie in order to snare your custom, reminded me of an exchange I had very recently with a representative of one of the big six energy suppliers.

To set the scene, it’s around 7:30 on a weekday evening. The part of the sales rep will be played by what I can only describe as a generic mobile phone shop employee; we’re talking pencil thin beard (which members of the bearded community would dismiss as purely cosmetic), inexcusably wide tie knot, haircut by David Bentley’s mum, Ted Baker loafers, the lot. I believe he was also sporting a chunky wrist bracelet.

The guy was a consummate pro, this is undeniable.

I’ll be appearing as myself.

Envisage if you will a typical North London doorstep…..

Ding-Dong

Clump Clump Clump…….

Door Opens

Me:  Listen mate, I’m halfway through Gossip Girl and you’re not going to believe what Serena Van Der Woodsen has just gone and done, so make it snappy yeah?

Rep:  Are you paying too much for your gas and electricity?

Me:  I think I’m paying about the going rate.

Rep:  Who’s your current provider?

Me:  It’s E.on.

Rep:  How do you feel about having your energy supplied by Germans?

Me:  Well….err….I….umm….what?

Rep:  Your energy supply comes from Germany, doesn’t that bother you?

Me:  What are you talking about? I love the Germans. One of my best friends is German, she’s from Gelsenkirchen. Do you know what town hall is in German?

Rep:  No.

Me:  Rathaus. It’s Rathaus.

Rep: ……………..so you don’t mind being ripped off by Germans then?

Me:  Germans are great. Michael Ballack is a nice man.

Rep:  He’s not a nice man.

Me:  How do you know? Have you ever even met him?

Rep:  No, but I met Nigel Winterburn at Luton Airport once and he wasn’t very nice. He wouldn’t sign my shirt because he said he was late for check-in.

Me:  So?

Rep:  Don’t get stroppy with me just because your gas and electricity is supplied by Germans!

Me:  Listen, do you have a mobile phone?

Rep:  Of course.

Me:  Who made it?

Rep:  Siemens

Me:  How do you feel about sponsoring a company that openly played an integral part in the construction of world war two concentration camps?

Rep:  It came free with the contract.

Me:  You’re missing the point.

Rep:  Do you want to switch energy provider?

Me:  No

SLAM

Now, I found his eagerness to press the button marked ‘xenophobia’ in order to snag a sale mildly distasteful, but the implication that Erwin Rommel himself mans a direct pipeline between Düsseldorf and my flat pushed me over the edge.

I’d love to know if anyone else has been subjected to tactics of this kind.

The moral of the story is: do not interrupt me when I’m watching Gossip Girl, even if it’s the Thursday night catch-up that I’ve seen once already.